之三：圣经所说的婚姻，不是自己向往的婚姻[5月21日家庭月信息]

家庭月信息｜之三：圣经所说的婚姻，不是自己向往的婚姻

5月21日

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朱志山牧师

经文: 创3:7,21;彼前3:1-7

课题: 家庭, 婚姻与恋爱, 苦难与试炼, 得胜, 爱,

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在人犯罪之后，神将一个最重大的目的放在人的婚姻，就是透过婚姻使两人成为圣洁。何谓那圣洁的标准呢？就是让两人能够认识基督与教会之间的相爱关系了。那关系不是抽象的，那关系是借着两人实际的接触与相爱体现出来的。我们不能否认今天我们身上有太多叫我们不能如此相爱的性情、想法、观点，以及理由了。我们常会看到一种凡俗婚姻的现象。有时两人关系好的时候，两人就拼命护着彼此，不许任何人对我们另一半有负面的看法。但是当彼此出现摩擦的时候，我们自己成为第一个控告我们配偶的对象。那时，一旦人稍微称赞我们的配偶，我们心里便马上感到委屈。其实，有些夫妇就是这样又爱又伤的度过一生，但他们没理解过一个本质性的事实，就是夫妇关系本是一体。不管目前的关系好坏，那关系是在一体的原则下运作的。试想：有谁伤了自己的身体会好受呢？当妻子使唤或数落自己的丈夫到他没有尊严，却心里感到“舒服”，其实那是最愚昧。当丈夫不懂得为妻子牺牲而让她难过，或是轻看她的感受，那是伤害自己的。一体的关系，就是不能分你我的意思。两人可能可以有争吵与情绪，但最终还是为彼此的利益设想，也唯有如此设想时，那个建设性的工作在两人身上才会产生。一旦两人在分歧中分你我（例如：你这样对我，我就这样对你；你有你的情绪，我有我的感受；你有你的方便，我有我的自由），那婚姻是无形中越走越分开的。那类婚姻是只讲理，不讲爱的。那婚姻是最终只会败在堕落的人性。其实，婚姻是牺牲了还是牺牲，相爱了还是再要学习相爱。那一直到什么地步呢？一直到你看见你的另一半因你的牺牲与爱护而改变。由此而言，我们会知道神所设立的婚姻是这么“狠狠”的对付我们的“自我”。有些人说：“我看上他（我的配偶）时，他不是这样的”。其实，你另外要明白，你看上他时，你也没看见自己原来是这样的（任性、固执、自私、势利等）。所谓一体，就是另一方成为了你的镜子，让你看见自己原来是怎样的。婚姻若是一体关系，所带来的就是让我们不断的发现与认识自己，以至好对付自己。所以，在婚姻里，你绝对无法逃脱一个受炼净的过程，若越逃避越得不着幸福。幸福绝对是在受炼净的后面。因此，对我们已经结婚一段日子的人，我们要谨慎，不让婚姻成为一种“方便”。有时候，我们按着自己的方便，很随意的责怪或使唤对方，也常常因自己无法进步或达成某些理想来责怪另一方。但是，人的堕落告诉我们婚姻是不断受到仇敌侵入的，是需要我们刻意保护与建造的。在《创3:12》，当始祖一犯罪，那里显示出那进入婚姻的一种形态表现，就是在罪的后果一临到之后，亚当将自己的痛苦归咎与妻子的过错。从此，这就成为了人类的婚姻里一种很自然与普遍的现象。这告诉我们一个事实，就是人失去了一个为自己婚姻的问题负起责任的性情。但是基督在十字架上死而复活之后，《弗5:22-33》却将婚姻的美德显示。这表明了神要救赎一段婚姻，一定是将丈夫带到为妻子舍己，将妻子带到全然顺服与尊重丈夫的地步。在人已经掉入罪性的现实中，这不是留在头脑的观念，乃是要实际在婚姻的困难中求得圣灵的帮助才能实现的。所以，婚姻不能留在「随意」，乃要进到「刻意」。夫妇需要为另一方的软弱负起责任，也为另一方的欠缺来不断的受炼净。

After the fall, God gave marriage an important purpose. It is to make two persons holy through a marriage. What is the standard of holiness? That is for the two persons to understand the mutual love between Christ and the church. This is not an abstract relationship. The relationship is manifested through actual interaction and love. We cannot deny that today in our lives, we have many dispositions, perspectives, opinions and reasons that prevent us from loving one another. We often see a very worldly phenomenon in marriages. When the relationship between two persons are good, they will defend each other with their lives, and do not want anyone to have negative opinions towards their other halves. However, when friction occurs, we become the first person to accuse our spouse. During those periods, when a person makes a small compliment about our spouse, we will feel aggrieved. Actually, some couples go through this cycle of love and hurt for their whole lives, but they never understood the fundamental truth, that husband and wife are one flesh. No matter how good or bad the relationship is, the relationship operates under the principle of unity. Think about it, who would feel good hurting his own body? When the wife orders around or puts down her husband, causing him to lose his self-worth, so that she can feel ‘comfortable’, that is being foolish. When the husband doesn’t know how to sacrifice for the wife, making her worried, or belittling her feelings, he is actually hurting himself. To be one flesh in the relationship means to no longer draw the distinction between you and me. A couple may have quarrels and emotional outbursts, but ultimately they have to think for the benefit of each other. Only then they start thinking for each other, there can be transformation in their lives. When a couple divides themselves in their differences (e.g.: if you treat me like this, I will treat you like this; you have your emotions, I have my feelings; you have your convenience, I have my freedom), they will unknowingly grow apart. Such a marriage only talks about reason, not love. Such a marriage will be consumed by fallen human nature. Actually, marriage is about sacrifices after sacrifices, learning to love even when you are already in love. To what extent? Until you see your other half change because of your sacrifices and love. In other others, we must know that the marriage that God establishes is to “ruthlessly” tackle our “ego”. Some may say, “when I first fell in love with him (my spouse), he wasn’t like this”. Actually, you must understand, when you fell in love with him, you have also not known what kind of person you really are (willful, stubborn, selfish, snobbish). What one flesh means is that the other party has become your mirror, to reveal to you your true self. If marriage is a relationship of one flesh, what it brings about is a continuous self-discovery, so that we can deal with ourselves. Therefore, in a marriage, you definitely cannot escape the refining process. The more you try to escape, the more you cannot find happiness. Happiness comes after the refining.  For those who are already married for some time, we must be vigilant not to let marriage become a “convenience”. Sometimes, in our own convenience, we will casually blame or order about the other person. Often we also blame our partner when we are unable to progress or attain certain ideals. However, the fall of man tells us that marriages would be constantly attacked by the enemy. It requires our deliberate protection and strengthening. In <Gen 3:2>, when our first ancestors sin, it reveals a pattern of marriage. Adam blamed his suffering on the fault of his wife. From then on, this has become a very natural and common phenomenon in mankind’s marriages. This tells us a truth that man has lost the temperament to bear responsibilities for the problems of his marriage. However, after Jesus has died and resurrected on the cross, <Ep 5:22-33> tells us the virtues of a marriage. This shows that when God wants to redeem a marriage, the husband must give himself for the wife, and bring the wife to a state of total submission and respect. This is not just a concept in our minds despite the reality that man has already fallen into sin. Instead, it is something that can only be realized when we practically seek the help of the Holy Spirit in the midst of our marital problems. Therefore, marriage must not be ‘casual’, but it should be deliberate. Married couple must bear the weaknesses of the partner, and be constantly refined by the other partner’s shortcomings.

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